A word of advice...

Do you know that feeling when you are in a bathroom and suddenly realize that the toilet paper roll is empty? Before panic sets in, you quickly scan your eyes across the room to all objects in reach. Could there be a square or two lying on floor? Paper towels under the sink? And right before you move onto more desperate possibilities like the Wawa receipt in your purse, you spot it! Voila! A box of tissues. Cold season saves the day. But before you get too excited, I have to offer you a warning. Check your tissue box and make certain that they are not Vick's Vapor Rub tissues. Trust me.

Tops and I lost our veterinarian virginity.

Have you had the pleasure of meeting my cat, Tops? My crabby calico has been known to bite a hand or two. She scratches my legs if I walk through the dark and bites my toes every morning at five AM without fail. I always wanted a cat to cuddle with me when I’m lonely but Tops and I have a love/hate relationship. Cuddling with Tops is rather risky. It usually draws blood. Her scratching has become quite a problem. I tried trimming Tops’ nails. I know, I’m brave. I put on a sweatshirt and two oven mitts and tried to wrap her in a towel to avoid scratching. Mission highly unsuccessful. Today I broke down and took her to a vet for a pricey checkup and nail clipping. I wish I had a video camera to show evidence of the ridiculous episode that ensued.

I really do feel bad this poor vet. Tops presented quite the challenge. Obstace #1 Remove cat from carrier. Two grown women, the vet and myself, were unable to make this happen. We ended up disassembling the carrier by removing all of its screws so that we could take the top of it off. Take the top off Tops…heh heh. Tops began making noises that I have never heard before from human nor animal. It was a curious mixture of barking, hissing and meowing. Obstacle #2 Hold cat down. The vet was unable to move ever so slightly from her death grip on tops’ neck so I had to go and find other cat holders for backup. Picture if you can, three adults holding down one angry cat as she bark/hiss/meows at the top of her lungs. Obstacle #3 Vaccinate cat. After tops received her two shots in the butt, she leaped off the table, out of the grasp of her three holders. She hid under a chair in the corner and growled. The vet explained that she was unable to complete the checkup due to her temper. She also said that trying to trim her nails would be dangerous to us both. This woman’s profession is deal with cats everyday, all day. I’m sure she has seen her share of temperamental felines but my cat is so mean that she cannot get her nails professionally trimmed. It was so bad that Tops was prescribed kitty Xanax that MUST be taken two hours prior if I ever plan to return to this clinic. Once sedated, she said Tops’ eyes will glaze over like she is stoned and won’t be able to walk straight. Is it weird that I’m a little bit excited to see this?

After the vet, I stopped by my parents’ house. I left Tops down in the basement while I ran out to the store with my mom. When I returned, I opened the door and picked up Tops. I was immediately taken back by her odd smell. She smelled like……oranges? I figured it must have to do with the vaccinations and set her down. Since there was no litter box at my parents I decided to do a quick walk through to make sure there weren’t any accidents. Instead I found a different kind of mess. Scattered all over my brother’s bedroom floor were giant multicolored vitamin pills issued by the United States Marine Corps. Oh crap. So I guess the oranges that I was smelling were actually vitamin C. Is this dangerous? We will see. Right now Tops is rolling around on the floor, vaccinations streaming through her veins and giant horse pills swimming in her tummy. Have you had the pleasure of meeting my cat, Tops?

Advice for those "seeking a relationship" on Craigslist

Dear Craigslist Users,

I got hooked on craigslist when I found out about missed connections. I think it is both hysterical and romantic to read about someone who has just experienced love at first sight in the express line at Wal-mart or simply waiting at a red light. Since then, Craigslist has sucked me in so that I religiously check the following categories biweekly: strictly platonic, men seeking women, rants and raves, furniture, free(!), housing, and ETC under jobs (just for kicks).

I find myself cringing at each personal ad and thought I would offer those men who are seeking women, some advice. Because trust me, you need it. Rule #1: Do not under any circumstance refer to a woman as a “lady.” Ladies are old. They wear collared dresses, bake casseroles and use hairspray in their bangs. You know that mother from the Duggars? She’s a lady. I highly doubt the majority of you are looking for this type of woman. Rule #2: Never say you are looking for “Miss Perfect.” How could anyone possibly live up to this standard? It is completely intimidating and will turn all women away because no one thinks they are perfect. If anything, you should write “tolerant of some physical flaws such as lazy eyes and minor muffin tops.” It would probably get you more action. Rule #3 Don’t use abbreviations. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think everyone is familiar with these personal ad acronyms. For example, “Looking for LT FWB.” It took me a good five minutes to realize this probably means “long term friend with benefits” not “long term funny white boy.” These two possibilities could result in two very different men. I hope this helps.

Your lady,

a perfect SWF