The Blizzard of '09

I went for a walk yesterday evening to see if anything was actually open in a storm like this. Even though I’m unable to drive, I love that the roads aren’t clear yet. Most sidewalks had a tiny walkway cleared from other walkers, but for the most part you have to walk right down the middle of the street. My street is steep and nowhere near ready to be driven on. Neighbors had gathered at the top of the street and were sledding right down the middle of it. I walked along the street to see if anything was open. There is something so beautiful about seeing regular things covered in snow. I especially loved all of the Christmas lights that were buried beneath but still on, creating a soft white glow on bushes and ledges. I’m dreading 6 o’clock tomorrow when the snow plows are supposed to come through.

Despite its many inconveniences, the blizzard of '09 seems to have a unifying affect on downtown Fredericksburg. I’ve seen strangers sharing shovels and brooms to clear off their cars. I’ve seen strangers helping each other drag cars out of the ditch with only the payment of a sincere “Merry Christmas.” I have exchanged words with every single person that I have passed on the street in the last 48 hours. A woman stopped me today on Lee street and asked if I’d been to Hyperion yet because she wanted to know if the paper had been dropped off. It’s like Fredericksburg is one giant home and Hyperion is a corner in the kitchen with a coffee pot that is on and Caroline street is everyone’s front yard. As I walked back up to apartment this evening I heard a conversation that really summed up the whole weekend. A girl half a block down in the middle of the street yells,

“This whole town is going crazy!” and a man outside JBrian’s yells back,

“That’s because we’re all drunk!”

“Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas!”

Cox Cable

I may have already told you this story but it's pretty good and I don't want to forget it. When the guy above me moved in, we had an interesting encounter. I walked into the building and saw two guys carrying a mattress up the stairs. I tried to help and explain to them how I angled my own mattress in order to get it up the narrow stairwell. When we got to the second floor, the new guy introduced himself as my new neighbor that just moved to Virginia for work. I unlocked my door and started to carry in my bags when he turned around and said, "oh wait! I wanted to ask you....what do you do for internet?" Let's ponder this question for a minute. What do I DO for internet? What does that even mean? My mind was racing as I tried to answer my attractive new neighbor's question. What is the answer? The provider? wireless? laptop? Finally, I kind of shrugged my shoulders and said, "I do Cox?" New attractive neighbor and his brother kind of wrinkled their foreheads and thought about this for a moment. The brother smiled. Did I say the wrong thing? I came into my apartment and stood at the door replaying the conversation in my mind. Oh crap. He's not from Virginia so he doesn't know that our cable service is called Cox. In his mind, his neighbor just told him she does cocks for internet.

A word of advice...

Do you know that feeling when you are in a bathroom and suddenly realize that the toilet paper roll is empty? Before panic sets in, you quickly scan your eyes across the room to all objects in reach. Could there be a square or two lying on floor? Paper towels under the sink? And right before you move onto more desperate possibilities like the Wawa receipt in your purse, you spot it! Voila! A box of tissues. Cold season saves the day. But before you get too excited, I have to offer you a warning. Check your tissue box and make certain that they are not Vick's Vapor Rub tissues. Trust me.

Tops and I lost our veterinarian virginity.

Have you had the pleasure of meeting my cat, Tops? My crabby calico has been known to bite a hand or two. She scratches my legs if I walk through the dark and bites my toes every morning at five AM without fail. I always wanted a cat to cuddle with me when I’m lonely but Tops and I have a love/hate relationship. Cuddling with Tops is rather risky. It usually draws blood. Her scratching has become quite a problem. I tried trimming Tops’ nails. I know, I’m brave. I put on a sweatshirt and two oven mitts and tried to wrap her in a towel to avoid scratching. Mission highly unsuccessful. Today I broke down and took her to a vet for a pricey checkup and nail clipping. I wish I had a video camera to show evidence of the ridiculous episode that ensued.

I really do feel bad this poor vet. Tops presented quite the challenge. Obstace #1 Remove cat from carrier. Two grown women, the vet and myself, were unable to make this happen. We ended up disassembling the carrier by removing all of its screws so that we could take the top of it off. Take the top off Tops…heh heh. Tops began making noises that I have never heard before from human nor animal. It was a curious mixture of barking, hissing and meowing. Obstacle #2 Hold cat down. The vet was unable to move ever so slightly from her death grip on tops’ neck so I had to go and find other cat holders for backup. Picture if you can, three adults holding down one angry cat as she bark/hiss/meows at the top of her lungs. Obstacle #3 Vaccinate cat. After tops received her two shots in the butt, she leaped off the table, out of the grasp of her three holders. She hid under a chair in the corner and growled. The vet explained that she was unable to complete the checkup due to her temper. She also said that trying to trim her nails would be dangerous to us both. This woman’s profession is deal with cats everyday, all day. I’m sure she has seen her share of temperamental felines but my cat is so mean that she cannot get her nails professionally trimmed. It was so bad that Tops was prescribed kitty Xanax that MUST be taken two hours prior if I ever plan to return to this clinic. Once sedated, she said Tops’ eyes will glaze over like she is stoned and won’t be able to walk straight. Is it weird that I’m a little bit excited to see this?

After the vet, I stopped by my parents’ house. I left Tops down in the basement while I ran out to the store with my mom. When I returned, I opened the door and picked up Tops. I was immediately taken back by her odd smell. She smelled like……oranges? I figured it must have to do with the vaccinations and set her down. Since there was no litter box at my parents I decided to do a quick walk through to make sure there weren’t any accidents. Instead I found a different kind of mess. Scattered all over my brother’s bedroom floor were giant multicolored vitamin pills issued by the United States Marine Corps. Oh crap. So I guess the oranges that I was smelling were actually vitamin C. Is this dangerous? We will see. Right now Tops is rolling around on the floor, vaccinations streaming through her veins and giant horse pills swimming in her tummy. Have you had the pleasure of meeting my cat, Tops?

Advice for those "seeking a relationship" on Craigslist

Dear Craigslist Users,

I got hooked on craigslist when I found out about missed connections. I think it is both hysterical and romantic to read about someone who has just experienced love at first sight in the express line at Wal-mart or simply waiting at a red light. Since then, Craigslist has sucked me in so that I religiously check the following categories biweekly: strictly platonic, men seeking women, rants and raves, furniture, free(!), housing, and ETC under jobs (just for kicks).

I find myself cringing at each personal ad and thought I would offer those men who are seeking women, some advice. Because trust me, you need it. Rule #1: Do not under any circumstance refer to a woman as a “lady.” Ladies are old. They wear collared dresses, bake casseroles and use hairspray in their bangs. You know that mother from the Duggars? She’s a lady. I highly doubt the majority of you are looking for this type of woman. Rule #2: Never say you are looking for “Miss Perfect.” How could anyone possibly live up to this standard? It is completely intimidating and will turn all women away because no one thinks they are perfect. If anything, you should write “tolerant of some physical flaws such as lazy eyes and minor muffin tops.” It would probably get you more action. Rule #3 Don’t use abbreviations. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think everyone is familiar with these personal ad acronyms. For example, “Looking for LT FWB.” It took me a good five minutes to realize this probably means “long term friend with benefits” not “long term funny white boy.” These two possibilities could result in two very different men. I hope this helps.

Your lady,

a perfect SWF

Pet Sitter at your service

For one week and one week only I have agreed to be a downtown dog owner. I'm finding it very difficult to determine dog/child etiquette. I encountered a family and the Dad was talking to Bella so I gave her some slack to greet them and the Mom lunged for the child and covered her face to protect her from my canine friend. Geez.

The other problem I have encountered is transportation. She won't jump into the back end of my jeep so I have to lift her in. This would be fine if I had a normal vehicle without various imperfections. For example, my gas tank cover is attached with electrical tape. Isn't everybody's? Also, the shocks in my back end are shot so the door just falls down within seconds. My solution so this problem was to hold the back end open with my skull while attempting to lift the dog into the back end. It was quite a sight to see! I finally began to drive away and Bella leaps forward towards me in the driver's seat. This seemed dangerous so i did what I expected her owner would do in order to train her not to....stop every single time she did it. I didn't keep track of exactly how many times I stopped on the side of the road, opened the back end with my head and lifted a dog into my car. Whew, what a job.

City Folk

I’ve come to realize there are four types of people in this town: townies, college kids, locals and tourists...This list does not include outliers such as marines from Quantico and people dressed in Civil War costume. Each of these species can typically be identified at a single glance. How do you know? Let me tell you.

Townies

No description needed. This picture I found explains it all.

College Kids

This specimen is easiest to identify due to the fact that they appear to be between the ages of 18 and 23. They always travel in groups of three or more and always wear trendy eyewear. Their attire usually consists of collared shirts, sweaters and sundresses. Loners of this variety can be found at the coffee shop reading something you’d find on the reading list for a typical intro to literature course. The girls usually have long hair and the boys usually smoke incessantly.

Locals

Locals are most commonly spotted in the early evenings as they drive downtown for dinner to briefly escape suburbia. They usually travel in couples and can be found at the best restaurants that college kids and visitors don’t know about. Locals walk slowly, enjoying the scenery of downtown life and checking out the newest window displays at stores.

Tourists

Tiddly Winks

I got a part time job this summer at a little store with a ridiculous name. Anyone that I’ve told the name of this store can’t remember it and asks me, “How’s the job at ________?” For now, I’ll just call it one of my favorite incorrect names: Tiddly Winks. Business is slow over at Tiddly Winks. I have to find ways to occupy my time in a very small space with very little to do. I usually read but sometimes I almost fall asleep with my eyes open. Last week I alphabetized an entire display of magnets…..for fun. I can hardly people watch because so few people come into the store. It has been pointed out to me that I managed to find a job where a straight single male will never enter. I was worried that this was true until I met: The Mailman. There is something so charming about mail men on foot in a city. Each afternoon I look forward to this brief moment of testosterone in tight blue shorts. Thank you mailman, for connecting me to life outside this room via Domino's flyers and gift catalogs.

Yappy Hour

I live in an extremely dog friendly city. My best friend, who also happens to be my little brother’s girlfriend has a puppy. I’m not sure when she officially becomes a “dog” but it’s probably soon because she is quite big. She is a bloodhound which is a little different from your typical city dogs which are usually tiny or fancy. As I walk the streets with mybestfriendwhoalsohappenstobemylittlebrother’sgirlfriend, I am beginning to tune into the downtown dog culture. As a downtown dog owner you are expected to let your dogs “greet” each other and then make small talk with the owner about breeding, dog food, the ‘to pick up or not pick up’ dog crap debate, etc. I’m just pulling your leg…if you don’t pick up your dog crap, you will be stoned by city residents. MBFWAHTBMLBG and I decide to go to “Yappy Hour” to kick off our summer and take advantage of four dollar martinis. It’s a lovely outdoor restaurant with seating overlooking the river and upon each rod iron bistro set is a large centerpiece of sanitizing hand gel. Simple yet practical. The most humorous part about our trip to our fancy shmancy dog friendly yappy hour is that we could not find the dog’s leash and had to use an old rope from my brother’s boat. We somehow seemed out of place with our hillbilly dog in a noose among other “city dogs.” So next Thursday, if you don’t mind yelling across the table over the yapping and sharing your sweet potato fries with small animals, I strongly recommend the martinis at Yappy Hour.