The Choking Incident

Some of you may have heard this story from me already so I decided not to post it. However, recently there was an exciting update that has forced me to share.

Last month I was watching television one night around ten or eleven. I was about to go to sleep so I was just lounging on my couch without pants on. All of the sudden, I hear some loud noises in the apartment above me and it sounds like someone is running up and down the stairs. These noises aren’t really unusual as there are often drunk college boys running around late at night. A faint knock at my door startles me and I walk over to my peep hole. No one is at my door but I hear someone panting. At this point I’m a little scared and search frantically for my pants. When I open the door, my neighbor is standing outside with his hands around his neck and hardly breathing. I stand staring at him dumbfounded, unsure of what to do. Eventually I realize this situation calls for the hymlic maneuver. How do you give the hymlic maneuver?! Neighbor can see that I’m not any help and takes matters into his own hands. He presses his stomach against a post in the hallway until he throws up and clears his airway. Embarrassed by the vomiting, he says, “uh, thanks for coming out,” and runs back up the stairs. I feel horrible for almost letting someone die before my eyes and I know that he feels humiliated. I decide that the right thing to do is leave him a note. I will surely see him in the future and I don’t want to be known as the jerk who is too flustered to save a life. I take the note down to the mailboxes that night so he’ll get it as he leaves for work. There are only eight mailboxes and I know most people in the building. Knowing that Neighbor is Hispanic I go with the only Hispanic sounding last name, sure that it his. I see him smoking outside sometimes and he hardly says a word to me. End of story.

Or is it? Fast forward a month and a letter is mistakenly placed in my mailbox. It has Neighbor’s first name and then an Irish sounded last name. Irish?! Who is Hispanic last name? I still don’t know. All I know is that Hispanic last name neighbor received a handwritten letter in his mailbox one morning in February that read:

I’m sorry about the choking incident last night.
I did that once when I was alone too.
I hope you’re feeling better….

Haley Apt. 2

Pat Soup

Today I briefly met another fellow Fredericksburg local at my favorite takeout restaurant, Bangkok Thai. Her name is Pat and she comes every single day to get her favorite soup. The employees lit up when they saw the familiar face walk in and grab her small cup of soup that was sitting on the bar waiting. She said she lost 50 pounds by eating this delicious concoction of chicken broth, mushrooms and vegetables on a daily basis. When I asked her what the soup was called she said she didn’t know. All she has to do is call on the way home and order “Pat Soup.” Call me crazy but I found this extremely interesting. I think Pat Soup would make a great character in a book.

The Blizzard of '09

I went for a walk yesterday evening to see if anything was actually open in a storm like this. Even though I’m unable to drive, I love that the roads aren’t clear yet. Most sidewalks had a tiny walkway cleared from other walkers, but for the most part you have to walk right down the middle of the street. My street is steep and nowhere near ready to be driven on. Neighbors had gathered at the top of the street and were sledding right down the middle of it. I walked along the street to see if anything was open. There is something so beautiful about seeing regular things covered in snow. I especially loved all of the Christmas lights that were buried beneath but still on, creating a soft white glow on bushes and ledges. I’m dreading 6 o’clock tomorrow when the snow plows are supposed to come through.

Despite its many inconveniences, the blizzard of '09 seems to have a unifying affect on downtown Fredericksburg. I’ve seen strangers sharing shovels and brooms to clear off their cars. I’ve seen strangers helping each other drag cars out of the ditch with only the payment of a sincere “Merry Christmas.” I have exchanged words with every single person that I have passed on the street in the last 48 hours. A woman stopped me today on Lee street and asked if I’d been to Hyperion yet because she wanted to know if the paper had been dropped off. It’s like Fredericksburg is one giant home and Hyperion is a corner in the kitchen with a coffee pot that is on and Caroline street is everyone’s front yard. As I walked back up to apartment this evening I heard a conversation that really summed up the whole weekend. A girl half a block down in the middle of the street yells,

“This whole town is going crazy!” and a man outside JBrian’s yells back,

“That’s because we’re all drunk!”

“Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas!”

Cox Cable

I may have already told you this story but it's pretty good and I don't want to forget it. When the guy above me moved in, we had an interesting encounter. I walked into the building and saw two guys carrying a mattress up the stairs. I tried to help and explain to them how I angled my own mattress in order to get it up the narrow stairwell. When we got to the second floor, the new guy introduced himself as my new neighbor that just moved to Virginia for work. I unlocked my door and started to carry in my bags when he turned around and said, "oh wait! I wanted to ask you....what do you do for internet?" Let's ponder this question for a minute. What do I DO for internet? What does that even mean? My mind was racing as I tried to answer my attractive new neighbor's question. What is the answer? The provider? wireless? laptop? Finally, I kind of shrugged my shoulders and said, "I do Cox?" New attractive neighbor and his brother kind of wrinkled their foreheads and thought about this for a moment. The brother smiled. Did I say the wrong thing? I came into my apartment and stood at the door replaying the conversation in my mind. Oh crap. He's not from Virginia so he doesn't know that our cable service is called Cox. In his mind, his neighbor just told him she does cocks for internet.

A word of advice...

Do you know that feeling when you are in a bathroom and suddenly realize that the toilet paper roll is empty? Before panic sets in, you quickly scan your eyes across the room to all objects in reach. Could there be a square or two lying on floor? Paper towels under the sink? And right before you move onto more desperate possibilities like the Wawa receipt in your purse, you spot it! Voila! A box of tissues. Cold season saves the day. But before you get too excited, I have to offer you a warning. Check your tissue box and make certain that they are not Vick's Vapor Rub tissues. Trust me.

Tops and I lost our veterinarian virginity.

Have you had the pleasure of meeting my cat, Tops? My crabby calico has been known to bite a hand or two. She scratches my legs if I walk through the dark and bites my toes every morning at five AM without fail. I always wanted a cat to cuddle with me when I’m lonely but Tops and I have a love/hate relationship. Cuddling with Tops is rather risky. It usually draws blood. Her scratching has become quite a problem. I tried trimming Tops’ nails. I know, I’m brave. I put on a sweatshirt and two oven mitts and tried to wrap her in a towel to avoid scratching. Mission highly unsuccessful. Today I broke down and took her to a vet for a pricey checkup and nail clipping. I wish I had a video camera to show evidence of the ridiculous episode that ensued.

I really do feel bad this poor vet. Tops presented quite the challenge. Obstace #1 Remove cat from carrier. Two grown women, the vet and myself, were unable to make this happen. We ended up disassembling the carrier by removing all of its screws so that we could take the top of it off. Take the top off Tops…heh heh. Tops began making noises that I have never heard before from human nor animal. It was a curious mixture of barking, hissing and meowing. Obstacle #2 Hold cat down. The vet was unable to move ever so slightly from her death grip on tops’ neck so I had to go and find other cat holders for backup. Picture if you can, three adults holding down one angry cat as she bark/hiss/meows at the top of her lungs. Obstacle #3 Vaccinate cat. After tops received her two shots in the butt, she leaped off the table, out of the grasp of her three holders. She hid under a chair in the corner and growled. The vet explained that she was unable to complete the checkup due to her temper. She also said that trying to trim her nails would be dangerous to us both. This woman’s profession is deal with cats everyday, all day. I’m sure she has seen her share of temperamental felines but my cat is so mean that she cannot get her nails professionally trimmed. It was so bad that Tops was prescribed kitty Xanax that MUST be taken two hours prior if I ever plan to return to this clinic. Once sedated, she said Tops’ eyes will glaze over like she is stoned and won’t be able to walk straight. Is it weird that I’m a little bit excited to see this?

After the vet, I stopped by my parents’ house. I left Tops down in the basement while I ran out to the store with my mom. When I returned, I opened the door and picked up Tops. I was immediately taken back by her odd smell. She smelled like……oranges? I figured it must have to do with the vaccinations and set her down. Since there was no litter box at my parents I decided to do a quick walk through to make sure there weren’t any accidents. Instead I found a different kind of mess. Scattered all over my brother’s bedroom floor were giant multicolored vitamin pills issued by the United States Marine Corps. Oh crap. So I guess the oranges that I was smelling were actually vitamin C. Is this dangerous? We will see. Right now Tops is rolling around on the floor, vaccinations streaming through her veins and giant horse pills swimming in her tummy. Have you had the pleasure of meeting my cat, Tops?

Advice for those "seeking a relationship" on Craigslist

Dear Craigslist Users,

I got hooked on craigslist when I found out about missed connections. I think it is both hysterical and romantic to read about someone who has just experienced love at first sight in the express line at Wal-mart or simply waiting at a red light. Since then, Craigslist has sucked me in so that I religiously check the following categories biweekly: strictly platonic, men seeking women, rants and raves, furniture, free(!), housing, and ETC under jobs (just for kicks).

I find myself cringing at each personal ad and thought I would offer those men who are seeking women, some advice. Because trust me, you need it. Rule #1: Do not under any circumstance refer to a woman as a “lady.” Ladies are old. They wear collared dresses, bake casseroles and use hairspray in their bangs. You know that mother from the Duggars? She’s a lady. I highly doubt the majority of you are looking for this type of woman. Rule #2: Never say you are looking for “Miss Perfect.” How could anyone possibly live up to this standard? It is completely intimidating and will turn all women away because no one thinks they are perfect. If anything, you should write “tolerant of some physical flaws such as lazy eyes and minor muffin tops.” It would probably get you more action. Rule #3 Don’t use abbreviations. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think everyone is familiar with these personal ad acronyms. For example, “Looking for LT FWB.” It took me a good five minutes to realize this probably means “long term friend with benefits” not “long term funny white boy.” These two possibilities could result in two very different men. I hope this helps.

Your lady,

a perfect SWF